Potty Training Doesn't Have to Become a Battle

The accidents are frustrating. The resistance is exhausting. And sometimes you start wondering whether your toddler has decided that the potty is their personal enemy.

There is a particular kind of parenting frustration that comes with potty training.

You buy the little potty.

You explain what it is for.

You read the books.

You celebrate the first successful trip.

Then, somehow, your child pees on the floor five minutes later.

And when you gently ask whether they need to use the potty, they look you directly in the eye and say no.

Ten minutes later, they need to go.

Welcome to potty training.

Sometimes the Hardest Part Is Not the Potty

For many parents, the struggle is not teaching a child where to pee or poop.

It is staying calm when the process takes longer than expected.

A parent may spend an entire morning reminding a toddler to use the toilet, only to end up cleaning an accident from the carpet.

Another parent may finally get their child comfortable with peeing in the potty, only to discover that they refuse to poop there.

And then there is the parent who starts wondering whether they have somehow messed the whole thing up.

You probably have not.

Potty training involves physical development, communication, memory, coordination and a child's growing desire for independence. That is a lot for a toddler to manage at once. (HealthyChildren.org)

The Famous Toddler Word

“No” can become especially powerful during potty training.

You ask, “Do you need to go?”

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

“No.”

“Let's try anyway.”

“No.”

And now everyone is upset.

Sometimes the more pressure a child feels, the more determined they become to control the situation themselves. The AAP notes that resistance can be connected to a child's desire for independence and control. (HealthyChildren.org)

That does not mean you should simply give up.

It means it can help to stop turning every bathroom trip into a negotiation.

Let the Potty Become Normal

Instead of constantly asking whether your child needs to go, make bathroom trips part of the normal rhythm of the day.

Try after waking up, before leaving the house and before bedtime.

Keep the potty somewhere accessible.

Let your child sit on it without making every attempt a test of whether they are succeeding.

The AAP recommends keeping the process positive and avoiding negative words or punishment around toileting. (HealthyChildren.org)

Accidents Are Going to Happen

This is probably the part parents know intellectually but find hardest emotionally.

Your child will have accidents.

Possibly on the day you thought everything was finally clicking.

Possibly immediately after you asked them to use the bathroom.

Possibly somewhere spectacularly inconvenient.

Take a breath.

Clean it up.

Keep your response matter of fact.

Your child is learning.

And Then There Is Pooping

For some families, pee training goes relatively smoothly while poop becomes the real battle.

A child may become afraid of the toilet, dislike the sensation of having a bowel movement there or simply decide that they would rather hold it.

Pressure can make the situation worse. The AAP notes that emotional stress and parental pressure can contribute to stool withholding and constipation. (HealthyChildren.org)

If your child is regularly withholding stool, appears to be in pain or is becoming constipated, talk with their pediatrician rather than trying to push through the problem yourself.

You Do Not Have to Make It Perfect

This may be the most important part.

Your toddler does not need to complete potty training according to your imaginary schedule.

They do not need to be perfect before the next birthday.

They do not need to match the child down the street.

And you do not need to turn yourself into a full time potty training coach.

Some days will go brilliantly.

Other days will involve three accidents before breakfast.

Both can be part of the process.

What Parents Often Wish They Had Known

If you ask parents about potty training, one theme comes up again and again: it rarely goes exactly as planned.

The parent who thought it would take a weekend may discover it takes months.

The parent who prepared every possible supply may find that patience was the thing they needed most.

And the parent who worried that their child would never get there eventually finds themselves wondering why they spent so much time worrying about it.

That does not make the difficult days feel easier while you are in them.

But it can help to remember that this is a learning process, not a performance.

Give Yourself a Break Too

Potty training can become one more thing parents feel they have to get right.

You do not.

Your child is learning a new skill.

You are learning how to help them.

There will be accidents, resistance, unexpected progress and probably a few moments when you laugh because otherwise you might cry.

Take the pressure off where you can.

The potty is not going anywhere.

Sources: American Academy of Pediatrics, HealthyChildren.org. (HealthyChildren.org)